Being Still Part 2 | What makes a good wife and mom?

I have been reflecting on the past few months and the lessons that the Lord has taught me on "being still" before him. The first trimester of my pregnancy was a time of absolute stillness for me. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically speaking. The physical aspects of that and the implications on my life are what I want to share in this post.

Titus 2 says (talking about the role of older women) "that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,.."

What does it really mean to love them? How do I measure my love for my family? What can I look at and say whether I am being pleasing to the Lord (and my family for that matter) in my role as a wife and mom? Is it:

*Having a spotless house?

*Having my meal plans all together for the next few months?

*Going grocery shopping and making sure we have everything we need and every one's favorite things for the next 2 weeks?

*Having all of my laundry finished?

*Having D's clothes ironed for work?

*Getting up early and making D's lunch and breakfast?

*Being consistent in my homeschooling?

*Being consistent in discipline of my daughter?

*Being the first person to rise in our house?

I never realized how much emphasis I put on these things until they were taken away from me. Then, laying literally flat on my back for months at a time I started to feel like a terrible wife and mom. I couldn't do ANY of the things that I felt like were essential to being a good wife and mom! Dallas had to do the grocery shopping and the cooking, PLUS run all around town and find things that I could actually stomach. He had to clean and do laundry. He had to pack his own lunches and get Naomi's breakfast ready for her. Most of the time, his clothes went into the dryer for a de-wrinkling. Naomi was also only getting disciplined when he was at home in the evenings. He was having to miss work to take over things that I am supposed to take care of! Naomi was having to fend for her self most of the time. The only time I got off of the couch was to quickly make her something for lunch- and in that time, she even learned how to make her own PB&J's. School went right out the window and she spent a lot of time watching movies. AHHHH! Not at all the way that I had planned to serve my family!

Then the Lord started to open my eyes to what my family REALLY needs from me. He showed me what it truly means to love my family. It didn't have anything to do with the physical aspects that I had put so much emphasis on. The word LOVE in this passage is actually an affectionate kind of love.

"The word for love used in Titus 2 is phileo. This word describes the love between very close friends. It is a tender, affectionate, passionate kind of love. It emphasizes enjoyment and respect in a relationship"- (Talking about love for husbands) -Carolyn Mahaney, Feminine Appeal

So I asked my husband, "What makes a good wife?" I didn't tell him what I was thinking about or give him any hints as to what I wanted to hear. I asked him to just tell me the first things that came to his mind. Here are his answers:

*My biggest cheerleader (by this he means encouraging him, cheering him on)

*Not a nag or a dripping faucet

*Respectful

*Fun

He even went so far as to say "Most people might say a clean house...and that's nice. It's relaxing to come home to a clean house..but I'd rather come home to a dirty house and a happy wife any day."

WHAT?!?!?!?! It had NOTHING to do with my long list of things that deserve a badge! It all has to do with my words. My time. My affections! I then proceeded to give him my list of things that I tend to put more emphasis on, to which he replied, "a maid can do any of those things. Anyone can come in here and do those things." His point was that we can pay someone to come in our home and take care of those things- but no one can take on my role as a wife and mom...the essential parts.

I asked him what he thought made a good mom. Here are his answers:

*A good example to her- that she loves her husband

*She doesn't live a hypocritical or pharisaical life.

*She spends time with her kids

So then I asked Naomi, "What makes a good mommy?" Here are her answers:

*A mommy tells her daughter that she loves her

*Lets me snuggle with her

*Gives me presents on my birthday and Christmas

Again! She doesn't care if I homeschool her or make her perfect healthy lunches! She just wants my love and attention! (Not to mention GIFTS! haha!)

So here are my thoughts. Yes, I have to do all of the above things (under normal circumstances, that is) I have to clean, and cook, and discipline my child. I have to take care of my family and keep my home (also part of Titus 2). However, what good is it if my house is spotless and my husband walks into a home and finds an exhausted, moody wife because I spent all of my energy cleaning all day? What good is it if you can literally lick my kitchen floor (without contracting some kind of infectious disease), but I haven't taken the time to look into the eyes of my daughter all day? If I discipline her consistently but don't take the time to listen to her and figure out what's going on in her heart...I'm just pushing her away from me! That's not love! All of these "duties" are not lasting! In fact, my clean house won't even last 8 hours and it will be dirty again! (probably less that that, honestly!) But the time and affections that I pour into my family- those are the things that have eternal value! Those things will be with my daughter for the rest of her life! They will shape her into the woman that she will become one day!

Honestly, I think the reason that women (myself included!) put so much emphasis on the "duties" rather than the "devotion" of her roles are because she can look around and get immediate satisfaction from her efforts. She can (in theory) mop a floor and see the beautiful shine and smell the fragrant aroma. Yet to spend 10 minutes getting a manicure from your 6 year old? Having conversations with your husband about his job (and you understand NOTHING of what he's talking about!)? You don't get to see immediate results- you don't get "pats on the back" necessarily. Ultimately, it becomes about US. Not about our families.

I'm not saying don't clean your house and don't discipline your kids consistently. I just realize that my emphasis needs to be on truly loving my family and giving MORE attention to the things that make them feel loved and cared for. Those are the things that will result in:

Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her: "Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all" (Prov. 31:28-29)